Sibling Issues
Page 1
Please note that the following represent each family's individual experiences and beliefs. Every family is different, and the needs and feelings of the children involved will be unique. We encourage you to seek professional advice if you have concerns or questions with regard to these issues.
Responses to Family Room
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I have two boys: Loren is 3 and Aaron is 2. When Aimee was born, she was a beautiful, healthy 8lb. 14. oz baby. Dad was out to sea off the coast of Korea on a submarine. I had already made arrangements for the boys to stay with a friend, and they would take them to the sitter's in the morning as normal. I told them I was having a baby, and all through my pregnancy, I explained that they were going to get a new baby brother or sister.
My hospital stay was only supposed to be for 3 days. They knew I was in the hospital having a baby, and they came to visit me twice. This was the first time I was away from them overnight. Aimee's heart defect was noted 24 hours after being born. They got to see Aimee when they transported her to a local hospital because they didn't have anyone to do a heart echo on babies ( the PC was out of town). had My mother flew over to Hawaii where we are stationed, and a lot of red cross messages went out to my husband's submarine. My boys stayed with my friend and their normal sitter until my mom got there. Another friend took the boys to the sitter to keep therir normal routine going and as to not overburden my mom (she is also not in the best of health) . My husband made it to San Diego after 24 hours of boat and plane rides.
My son Loren was almost potty trained and started having accidents when dad came home, and again when I came home a month later. He does not seem to demand attention like my two year old. My two year old will demand I give him the attention he wants if I'm feeding or rocking the baby . He climbs in the chair or on the couch with us. They are both doing well with it now, except they have become very attached to me. They do not like to stay home with someone else, and my two year old throws a fit now whenever I leave him. He also has nightmares at night.
Lesson learned : do not keep telling your other children that the baby is sick after you bring him/her home, because they see that the baby gets lots of attention and they become ill. Every time I have to take Aimee to the doctor now, my two year old says he is sick.
Pre plan, what if? I had a plan in place just because my husband would not be there. My mother was coming to stay with me anyway the following week. Had my husband been home I would not have been prepared as well as I was.
G.S.
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Our daughter was almost three when our son was born and required surgery, so she was too young to ask questions or understand much. While Michael was on the floor (prior to surgery), we brought our daughter in and took lots of pictures of her holding him. We didn't know if he would make it or not. He was only hooked up to the portable heart monitor, so there were not a lot of scary tubes, etc.
The first night, both parents stayed at the hospital (and the night before and of surgery) and she stayed with grandparents . We are lucky! She was already close to them and had spent the night with them before, so it was a treat for her. Anyway, other than that, she was in her normal day care during the days and either my husband or I went home to be with her each evening - we alternated. It was a great break for each of us, got us out of the hospital, and we tried to make life as normal as possible for her.
I think a list serve or something similar would be great for the siblings. We know Michael needs one or two more surgeries in the future and by then, she will understand more.
C.
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When Victoria was born, our sons were 10 and 4 1/2. We, of course, had prepared them for the birth of our baby. When Victoria was born they came to the hospital and visited. They got buttons that said "I have a new baby sister", I think they were happy! Our youngest son was disappointed because
Victoria wasn't a boy, but he seemed to get over that.
On the day that Victoria was diagnosed as having a heart problem, I had taken her to the doctor for a weight check. It was late, probably about 5, when I went to the doctor's office and because my husband was not yet home, I took the boys with me. The nurse had weighed Victoria (she had lost weight, of course) and we were waiting to see the doctor. The boys were getting tired of waiting and were driving me crazy, as I now realized we that there might be a problem. (but I didn't have any idea it would be as bad as it was) . Anyway, I called my parents, explained the situation, and asked my dad to come get them.
After that, the world came crashing down, and I really don't know what we said to the boys. The pediatrician had done an x-ray, and told us we would have to see the PC. The next day was spent at the PC, and when we came home, it was just to pack and get the plane to Houston. I think we were all in shock. Both sets of grandparents and my sister live in the same town as we do, so they kept the boys while we were at the hospital for 10 days. My mom came to the hospital, and then Robert's mom came. Robert had gone home after the first few days so the boys were with him. It's hard to say what he told them.
Neither one of us were doing much talking - it was so hard for us. I don't think the boys asked much -- everything was so scary. Anyway, I know that having a sick sibling was very hard on the boys, and I don't think any of us knew how to deal with it. It is the thing I regret the most - that we didn't do more to help the boys deal with the situation -- but we were having a really hard time dealing with it too.
At one time my mother-in-law told my husband that we weren't paying enough attention to the
boys -- that really burned me because she never offered much help and we were doing what we could to keep everything together and keep Victoria alive. I know the boys were jealous at times because of the attention Victoria received, and we tried to explain to them, but you know how that goes!
As time went by, I think the one that felt hardest hit was our oldest. He was attending Catholic school, and my mother told me that the priest told her that Bobby had asked him questions. He tried to explain things to him. Because of Victoria's heart, I quit teaching. That made finances tight. As
Bobby got older, especially in the teen years, I know he felt cheated because we couldn't afford to give him all the things he wanted. We had lots of discussions about what was really important in life -- I don't know if it sunk in at the time, but now I think he understands (he'll be 24! tomorrow!). Our pediatrician talked to him on several occasions. He was a big help.
Our middle son seemed to cope better than his brother. He, too, became close to the pediatrician and the door was open for the boys to talk to him if they ever needed to.
When it was time for us to schedule Victoria's surgery, we took the boys with us to the appointment in Houston. By that time they were 16 and 11. I think that it helped for them to be able to go with us and hear what was going on. When she was in the hospital, they stayed with relatives and then came to visit after she got to the floor. They came on 2 weekends. I have video of them being there.
My advice to parents would be to try to be in tune with what your other kids are thinking, and if possible, discuss it with them... If it's hard to talk about for you, it's a good idea to find someone that they feel comfortable with and can open up to. Because our boys were older when Victoria was born and went through her Fontan, it was different than if they had been younger. They were used to a normal life before Victoria was born, and things certainly weren't normal one month after her birth! I think it was like a double whammy for them!!!
R.
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Our newborn's heart defect was not detected in the hospital when she was born. It manifested itself in an emergency situation where the baby was taken from home in an ambulance. There was no time to prepare our older children who were 4 and 6 at the time. In fact, they were watching TV in the basement and did not witness what occurred. All they saw was a police car and heard my husband answer questions for a police report after the fact. We answered any questions that they had as honestly as we could. I was amazed that without anyone even mentioning the possibility of the baby's death, my 4 year old said to me, "I sure hope Abi doesn't die." We did tell her that we didn't think she would die, but she might. We felt like they needed to be prepared for that possibility.
We had close friends that cared for our children. People from our church volunteered to make a rotation for the kids to be cared for by someone each day, but we thought they would be more stable if only 2 families that our kids were very comfortable with alternated taking care of them during the day. My husband took them home to sleep most nights. Actually, for the first week, my kids thought it was great. We don't belong to a pool but our friends did and they had a great time. But by the second week, they were ready to come home and be with mom. We did have relatives that offered to take them to their home an hour away, but I wanted the kids to be closer so that I could visit with them frequently. My mom cared for them some, but she also wanted to spend time at the hospital with the baby and to support us.
Our baby was in intensive care for several days before surgery. Our older kids wanted to see her. ICU policy didn't permit children to visit. The social worker was really against it. She said we would traumatize them. Since our children had not had a chance to even kiss their sister good-bye before she left for the hospital, we really wanted them to see her before surgery (just in case she didn't make it). We finally talked to a sympathetic nurse who said they could bend the rules and allow them to see her the night before surgery. She was wonderful about explaining all the tubes and machines to the kids. She gave the kids monitor stickers to take home that matched the ones on their sister. I felt like it was a very positive experience and I'm glad we pushed to make the ICU allow it.
Our kids were very quiet and sober after the experience (but everyone is after seeing a baby in ICU - right?). Sometimes I think that kids, like us, can imagine worse than the reality, and it is better to let them see the reality than to imagine the worst. Our kids handled it well, although I'm not sure that all siblings would. After surgery, when Abi was doing well, my husband tried to spend some special time with the older two so that they would not feel like the baby was getting all the attention. This seemed to help.
L.A.
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