CHIN: The Fine Line

The Fine Line

Please note that the following represent each family's individual experiences and beliefs. Every family is different, and the needs and feelings of the children involved will be unique. We encourage you to seek professional advice if you have concerns or questions with regard to these issues.

Responses to Family Room topic:

You are not alone in your fears when you say you are spoiling your son.

My daughter had her arterial switch surgery done this January 2002 when she was 11 weeks old. We were told to not let her cry too much. Give her attention, love, care and the works. We did that naturally because it came naturally to us as parents of a baby with CHD who we were finally holding in our arms after 3 long traumatic months.

Like you, I have been a fairly practical mom with my older daughter. I let her cry and help her out when she needs a cuddle or a hug. With Diti, .we found ourselves picking her up, comforting her the minute she cried. It is so natural....babies with a heart defect are special, having gone through so much that they do need extra care and attention.

I don't think you should worry yourself over it, primarily because you will see yourself over the years as your son grows...you will find yourself toughening up too. Follow the golden rule--of being firm yet loving.

I understand completely where you are coming from. My five month old son, Connor has been diagnosed With Dilated Cardiomyopathy. I also do not like to see him cry since he turns purple and it makes me crazy to think that it is a strain to his heart. His doctors have assured me that it will not hurt him. I am slowly beginning to learn to live life with this and I am starting to let go a little so he can grow emotionally as well as physically. I actually just finally put him in his own room. I guess all we can do is hang in there. A spoiled baby is OK with me.

D.C.

I feel exactly the same as you. My son is 3 years old and is, at times, now becoming a little naughty. I have anticipated his every need and catered for his every whim as I did not want him to cry. He is due to start nursery school this week and part of me does not want him to go, I just want him to stay with me but I know I have to let him go to school. I think that if a child knows that you truly love them then that is more important than a few tantrums and it does not matter what people think.

K.E.

My daughter has single ventricle, and is now 10 years old. I used to cater to her in just the same way, but I eventually realized around the age of 5 that I was creating a monster. I wanted my children to be polite and respectful, and decided that I needed to figure out a way of doing that.

I used lots of positive reinforcement for good behavior, and time-outs for bad. It felt awful doing the time-outs, but today I have two WONDERFUL children! Every babysitter I've ever had and all my friends comment about how well behaved they are. As a mom of a child with heart problems, at first, your mind set is that this child may not live a long life, and why not spoil him or her. Eventually, I figured out that I need to treat this child as if she will LIVE,in order to have some semblance of a normal family life. Well, I hope this helps other readers!

J.L.

Don't worry - My whole family treats our daughter this way! She is a little spoiled - but who cares. She still sleeps with us and we don't care what people think - they didn't go through what we did. I say - come talk to me after your kid has 3 open heart surgeries!

S.A.

My son has been through 3 open heart surgeries, numerous caths, and several surgeries on his lip, nose and palate. Skyler is 7 years old and is so vibrant and healthy now you would never dream he has a heart defect. It does not define who he is. He is a wonderful child, polite, funny, social and friendly.

I think you need not worry about spoiling your child, especially at the his age. The children I have met through our support group and the hospital are so mature and seem to grow up so fast. I think it is important to love and hold your child as much as you can. They deal with so much in their little lives - I think they need more love than discipline.

It is very hard to watch your child go through all the "tough" times, things we will probably never go through in our lifetime, and not have the temptation to hold them constantly or "spoil" them. One thing I have learned over the past 7 years is that everything that has happened to Skyler is "normal" to him. He doesn't know any different, he's been this way since birth. His first open heart surgery was at 12 hours of age! So, I believe that everything that he has gone through, dealing with birth defects, surgeries, hospital visits, etc., is "normal to him". He does not know any different, therefore, I try not to treat him differently. I try to treat him and discipline him the same way I would if I had had a healthy child.

I think you need to enjoy your baby right now. Don't worry about spoiling him. Now that he is on a "healthy streak" just love him and enjoy him. With everything you've been through, you deserve to enjoy him and love him. The disciplining will come naturally when he gets a little older. Have faith in yourself to do the right thing...you will. All this trauma will be behind you and you will be living a "normal" life.

T.R.